La Seguace

Stara Zagora, Bulgaria

2006-11-05T19:53:00.000+01:00

Arrived on Thursday evening in Sofia, where I was met by one of the missionaries I'm working with. We spent 4 hours driving through snow and rain to get to Stara Zagora, maybe the 4th or 5th largest city in Bulgaria. And it has been nonstop go go go ever since then. Days have started around 8 every morning and I get time again to myself around 11pm or midnight. This evening was the first breather I've had, so I made dinner for the family I'm staying with (greek tyropita and brownies, a very typical "Sarah" meal! AND go me because I made the brownies completely by eyeballing all the ingredients).
Anyway the physical side of it hasn't been that bad. I've had plenty of energy (although I CRASH at night and sleep pretty hard until the next morning). However, what I didn't expect was the emotional/spiritual toll, which has been a lot heavier...
Just one example:
Today we were out again with some of the kids in the Macedonian Outreach Program in the village of Yastrebovo. We were about to head back to the apartment for the evening when Keith asked me if I wanted to go meet Gita and Minko. Didn't know what I was in for. I thought I had seen poverty and poor living conditions in this world. Furthermore I thought I had prepared myself emotionally to come face to face with such conditions on this trip. But nothing had really prepared me for this. I fell behind for a second while I paused to take a picture of the destroyed forgotten house posted above. As I began to catch up to the others and saw my first glimpse of where exactly we were going, I felt my heart drop. I wish now I had taken pictures to help describe this experience but honestly at the time my first reaction was to put my camera away. I couldn't bring myself to take pictures of this family's living conditions-it was that painful. No door, the entryway was just packed dirt and dust. The roof was literally falling in. It is made with sticks and mud, then covered with cement but time has taken its toll, leaving huge chucks of ceiling missing or threatening to fall. I'm not an architect but it looks to me like the roof won't make it past the first snowfall this year. Anyway we took off our shoes there in the entryway which is the Bulgarian tradition. Then we passed through what I guess you could call a kitchen-a room the size of my bathroom with a dirt floor and sort of woodburning stove. To the left was a bedroom, 1/2 the size of mine, where the parents and 5 children sleep. To the right was another bedroom that houses the two grandmothers, both ill. We went into the bedroom on the left to meet Gita, the mother. One of her daughters, perhaps 10 years old, smiled and me and invited me to sit down next to her. She started talking to me and we were able to get as far as our names until she realized that I couldn't really understand her. Then we just smiled at each other and continued on in a sort of sign language. She was holding a small kitten that was dirty and sick. When she let it down it started walking around the room and throwing up on the filthy worn carpet. Neither the girl nor the mother seemed to notice, or perhaps they did and just didn't care. The girl was tiny, maybe even older than 10 but she was so skinny and small that she appeared pretty young. Every so often her sweater (just to save myself typing it over and over again, everything in this situation is filthy dirty, old, torn, worn, etc...) would ride up on her arms and I caught a glimpse of her bruised wrists. Her teeth were yellowed, already decaying. The dried mucus crusted around her nose gave evidence to one of many illnesses her small body was fighting. My attention was so focused on this little figure next to me that it took me awhile to observe her mother, Gita. Although taller, she was just as skinny, which made her rounded belly even more obvious. The child she is carrying will be their 6th. She updated us on her situation-Keith and Margie are pretty frequent visitors there-and Keith offered to pray with her before we left.
I almost lost it there in the middle of their house. Sadness, anger, disgust, pity...my heart was breaking for this family and their living conditions. This is what can be called life? It is so unfair. Where is God in all this? I've heard people ask this all the time but there at that moment I was really really pissed at the unfairness of it all...all the suffering, sickness, and pain in the lives of these people.
As we stood up to leave I turned to the little girl and said goodbye. She put her arms around me and I hugged her with everything I had, holding on way longer than needed. I came face to face with two other children, younger twin boys, who were returning home. They were even worse in appearance than the daughter-obviously ill and in need of food, warmer clothes, a dentist and a doctor. And yet they smiled and hugged me just like all the other kids I've worked with in Italy and America.
Anyway I kept it together until we reached the car. Then tears just started streaming down my face and the first words out of my mouth to Keith and Margie were, "How do you do it? How do you see this everyday and not loose faith in God and the world?" This can make an entire other post but basically they said that they do what they can, that they realize they can't solve the world's problems. Though hard to believe, there are people even worse off. And the sad thing about this village is that many of the problems are things that the villagers have got to take responsibilty for. For example in this particular family the father is an alcoholic and the mother has psychological problems. Then of course take the fact that she is pregnant with their 6th child, that doen't help the situation at all.
I'm still trying to make sense of it all. No answers, just a lot of questions and emotions that I never have to face and it sure as hell isn't easy or fun doing it. Ignorance is bliss, I don't want to be blissful and ignorant but I hate having all this information and experience and not knowing what the heck to do with it all. All I could do in there today was hold that little girl. And if I gave them what little money I have (although it would be a lot to them) it wouldn't solve the problem. The dad would spend it on alcohol and the mom would keep popping out babies unable to feed them all. So what am I supposed to do-in these next 5 days but then once I get back to "real" life. And what are we as a society of people supposed to do? Think about that tonight while you sit in front of your laptop in your heated home with a full refrigerator and cupboards and be grateful for what you have.

Bulgaria

2006-11-01T11:01:00.000+01:00

Out from November 2 through 11 in Bulgaria for a missions trip...will post on the experience once I'm back!

23

2006-10-20T20:59:00.000+02:00

Thanks to a friend of mine, I have been informed that as of midnight tonight I will officially enter into my MID-TWENTIES. And that I am fast approaching 30. Woah.

I'm not dead!

2006-09-19T21:41:00.000+02:00

And I have lots of stuff to say and post too. Just no internet access at my house, and haven't been at home anyway even if we did...
In Sienna now which is awesome, very beautiful! Visiting my cousins who are here on vacation. Before that I had some friends from Santa Barbara here visiting, and before that I got into the habit of socializing with friends every night. So much fun, I just haven't been on the computer at all.
Big and exciting news to report: November 2-11 I am going on a missions trip to Bulgaria!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stuff is still getting all organized, but in the meantime pleasepleaseplease be praying for me! There is a lot to plan still and a major concern is finances. So pray please, and I'll update on that soon.
Later...

News Flash

2006-08-27T22:42:00.000+02:00

chicken head and shoulders -01
Originally uploaded by cbrookes75.

This is a chicken.

I ate a piece of one today.

I haven't eaten any animal flesh (with the exception of a bite of Kristin's chicken something a couple years ago) since I was 15.

Can't say that I really loved the taste, although it wasn't bad. But I didn't gag or puke or break down crying at the thought that this poor chicken was running around dumb and happy less than 24 hours ago--which it was. The grandpa of the family I ate with killed it from his own coop and brought it over for Sunday lunch.

Anyway, after many months of being prodded and pressured by Italians to just try the chicken, prosciutto, boar, rabbit, etc. I've come to the conclusion that for the time being I will call myself a V.F.T.M.P.B.W.T.M.F.I.T.C.O.O.

That would be a Vegetarian For The Most Part But Who Tries Meat Flesh In The Cooking Of Others.

So this thought to TRY eating dead animals again has been floating around in my head for awhile. Perhaps it started a couple years ago when I was discovered I was strangely attracted to the odor of animal flesh cooking, even though the site made me gag. Add to that about 9 months of Italians saying, "What? You're a vegetarian? Well, at least eat some prosciutto. That isn't meat." Or "Oh come on, eat the pork. It's ugly, it doesn't have feelings anyway." It wasn't the comments that convinced me as much as the fact that I always felt a bit guilty or disappointed turning down a dish at a friend's house because it had a little meat in it. People would always make a big fuss over me, asking what would I possibly eat if I wouldn't eat the meat (what, like the appetizers, pasta, wine, vegetable dishes, fruit, dessert, coffee, and grappa aren't enough?!?!). More than that, Italians really take pride in their cooking. When you go to an Italian's house for a meal, you will surely be offered at least five homemade items.

"Try the oil, it is freshly pressed from our olives."
"Try the wine, we made it from our grapes."
"Try the plums, they come from our trees."
"Try the pasta, we made it fresh from our chicken's eggs."

And today it just so happened to be:

"Try the chicken, Sarah. Grandpa killed it fresh this morning. Just try it."

After numerous gracious declines, today I thought, when in Rome...

So I don't think I will be eating meat at home or ordering it specifically at a restaurant but for the time being I figure I at least won't turn something down just because it has some meat in it. I will at least TRY.

However, certain exceptions still stand. My little rabbit Orlando is much too dear to my heart, thus I will not be eating rabbit anytime soon.

Creativity exploding out my ears...

2006-08-19T21:46:00.000+02:00

Colosseo
Originally uploaded by Seguace.

Another benefit of being out in the boondocks-a (that would be boondocks Italian style) this summer: plenty of time to practice the guitar. And all the fresh air does wonders for the musician in me.
Last week a friend taught me "New York City" by Cub (and most awesomely covered by They Might Be Giants). Being that I've never been to New York City and am currently living near Rome (quite conveniently called the Eternal CIty)...in a fit of creativity and laughter my friend and I rewrote the song. Original lyrics and a great explanation of the song can be found here. And our Roman version here:

You called me last night on the telephone
And I was glad to hear from you 'cause I was all alone
You said, "It's sweltering, it's sweltering! God, I hate this weather."
Now I'd endure the blazing heat just to get us back together

We met in the summer at Estate Romana
We drank some wine, but it was late, dovevamo andare a nana (translation: we had to go to bed)
We kissed on the regional in the middle of the night
I held your hand, you held mine, it was the best night of my life.

CHORUS
'Cause everyone's your friend in the Eternal City
And everything looks beautiful when you're young and pretty
The streets are filled with ruins and there's so much history
But the best thing about the Eternal City is you and me

The Statue of Vittorio
Piazza di Spagna
Piazza del Popolo
Dolce and Gabbana
Roman Forum
The Broken Bridge
Vatican City where Pope Benedict lives
Trevi Fountain
The Catacombs
The Colosseum
All roads lead to Rome

repeat CHORUS

You wrote me a letter just the other day
Said, "Summer is coming soon so why don't you come to stay."
I packed my stuff, got on the train, I can't believe it's true
I'm three hours from the Eternal City and I'm three hours from you

repeat CHORUS

I need a few more callouses on my fingers and then we are SO going to perform it in the streets of Rome...

Love and life

2006-07-20T17:49:00.000+02:00

Viiiiiino
Originally uploaded by Seguace.

"There isn’t much better in this life than finding a way to spend a few hours in conversation with people you respect and love. You have to carve this time out of your life because you aren’t really living without it. "
Real Live Preacher
RealLivePreacher.com Weblog, August 27, 2003

Victory!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-07-10T10:31:00.000+02:00

We won!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woohoo!!!!!!!! The celebration last night was CRAZY- this coming from a former UCSB student who observed the complete insanity of Isla Vista Halloween. Everyone took to the streets last night in their cars and drove around and around town, in Los Angeles-like traffic lines, horns blaring and Italian flags waving. What a celebration. This morning, people are joyfully smiling and greeting each other like it is Christmas day.
May not be an Italian by blood or nationality, but I can't help but get caught up in the joy of it all.

How I'm Spending My Summer Vacation

2006-07-02T17:55:00.000+02:00

Girasole
Originally uploaded by Seguace.

Out in the isolated Italian countryside, in a so-typical-it-couldn't-be-more-typical country villa at least 6 kilometers from the nearest tiny tiny town. I wallowed in my misery the first two days I was there for the lack of phone, computer, internet, any sign of other people or civilization, and the plethora of mosquitoes and hot humid weather. And then I really started to enjoy myself. I've been able to relax, rest, read, take looooong walks and lots of cool photos of the amazing surroundings, and spend a lot of time in prayer which is something I was really lacking in the last few months. It should turn out to be a good summer...I'm there off and on with the family I work with throughout the summer, but everytime I pop back into civilization I'll try to update.

Popular these days...

2006-06-23T11:13:00.000+02:00

Buttcrack!
Originally uploaded by Seguace.

From my 500+ photos on my flickr account, I wonder how THIS photo is the most viewed.
It cracks me up, pun intended.

You're in Catholic Country Now, Dorothy

2006-05-03T11:54:00.000+02:00

You're in Catholic Country Now, Dorothy
Originally uploaded by Seguace.

Living in another country, every day provides a fun (and at times frustrating) chance to observe cultural differences. The latest: I am surprised by how little the majority of Italians know about other religions besides Catholicism. The country is predominantly Catholic but most Italians are non-practicing. That is, they consider themselves Catholic and go to mass on the holidays and special occasions.
So I was at dinner with friends the other night. One of the most stereotypically Italian moments I've had so far. There was a huge bunch of us - cousins, uncles, aunts, friends - sitting around an incredibly long dinner table. We were at the country house, being renovated just like that in Under the Tuscan Sun. And, of course, we ate tons of homemade pizza and drank homemade wine. After we finished eating, we sat around for awhile, just chatting and laughing. Don't remember how, but at one point the conversation turned to religion and someone asked me which mass I attend. My friend interjected that I'm protestant, and upon hearing that news everyone had a million questions for me, mainly, "What do you believe?" No one at the table (approximately 15) could answer what the difference between Catholics and Protestants was.
This coming from a country that teaches religion classes in public schools. Everyone from the kids I watch to high schoolers has religion homework and classes. There are churches literally on every corner here, like Starbucks in Seattle. Towns close down on the holidays celebrating their respective saints. And yet the majority of the population doesn't know that Protestants believe in the same Trinity (God, Jesus, Holy Spirit) that Catholics do. According to them, Protestants don't believe in "The Church" and so for that they are heretics.
Fortunately my friends are like many Italians, in that they are not strict Catholics. They didn't just write me off as a heretic the moment they learned I wasn't Catholic; instead they are interested in and open to learning about what I believe. It was a fun and educational cultural exchange.
Just yet one more to jot down in the "things I've observed and learned" notebook for the year.

Joey!

2006-04-11T22:37:00.000+02:00

Joey!
Originally uploaded by Seguace.

This won the funniest moment of the month. My friend Amy and I had JUST watched the Friends episode where Joey decks out in all the Ferrari gear even though he doesn't have the car to try to impress chicks. And then we pass THIS guy on the street in Ischia. He couldn't have been more serious in his complete outfit, matching hat included. We almost died laughing...

And then there was Amy...

2006-03-31T19:02:00.000+02:00

Sidetracked from the sequel to my previous post because one of my best and longest friends Amy came to Italy to visit. We have been having a blast touring around and hanging out; right now we are on the island of Ischia near Napoli. Since we had to wander our way through Napoli yesterday to catch a ferry here, I have now discovered where the men of Italy truly get their reputation from. The catcalls and comments we heard were somewhere in the hundreds...but the closest actual contact we received was from the air of cars racing by us, inches from our elbows and horns blaring. The Napoli accent/dialect is so thiiiiiiiiiick that I can only understand maybe half of what people are saying, at most! An interesting experience, to put it nicely, but we are glad to be here in a calmer and quieter place. The pizza here is gooooood-I've gotten used to the Roman style of pizza with a thin thin crust and it is puffier here and yummy.
So when my distraction (Amy) leaves on Monday I will get back to my other thoughts!!

Journey Part I

2006-03-21T13:19:00.000+01:00

Life is like a snowglobe -- it's at its most interesting when you shake it up once in a while.
Ingenious quote from one of my brother’s latest posts, describing recent changes and movements in his life. He is currently preparing to hike the Pacific Crest Trail, a 2,650 mile trek from the Mexican border up to the Canadian border, ey. He should be leaving in less than a month now.
My brother and I couldn’t be more different. I could probably number on both my hands the things we have in common, our parents being two of them. The entire idea of hiking the Pacific Crest Trail seems completely unthinkable to me; peeing outdoors and getting dirty scare me. Yet I have so much respect and awe for my brother, in part for the physical challenges he is about to endure, but mainly because he is leaving everything comfortable and known to pursue this dream he’s had for almost 10 years now.
It is interesting, to me at least, that both of us are in this “shake it up, leave, change things” moment of our lives. Again, we are in different stages; he recently got married and has been in a stable and successful job for the last few years, and my options were wide open (another way to say that nothing was planned) after I graduated from UCSB last June. I took off, for the wilderness of amazing food, great wine, and crazy drivers (aka Italy), and now he is taking off for another wilderness. My poor parents are a little anxious, mainly because of the communication issue. We have enough trouble talking as it is, usually once a week or so, but phone calls and emails with my brother once he is out on his hike will be virtually never.
So in the midst of all this, thinking through the separate journeys my brother and I have parted on, I just finished reading a memoir by Donald Miller called Through Painted Deserts. It was an easy and fun read-Miller is a hilarious and poignant writer-recalling his cross-country trip with a friend of his ten years before. Miller doesn’t beat his readers over the head with typical Christian slogans but instead honestly shares and reveals his thoughts on God and how he processes his spirituality and relationship with Jesus. Anyway, thought I would share a passage out of there that really stood out to me, especially in light of this phase of my life, of my brother’s life:

I could not have known then that everybody, every person, has to leave, has to change like seasons; they have to or they die. The seasons remind me that I must keep changing, and I want to change because it is God’s way…Everybody has to change, or they expire. Everybody has to leave, everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons.

Short on time, I’ve gotta end Part I here. Check back in a few days.

Blog Break

2006-03-06T09:28:00.000+01:00

Yikes! I just noticed that my last post was over one month ago. I've definitely been on a blog vacation. And I'm not about to write anything interesting in this post, only that being back in California for a little bit has been a blast...really realized just how much I miss my friends and family.
Hoping to be inspired to write a brilliant post soon, or anything on a consistent basis, for that matter.

In My Backyard...

2006-01-27T17:42:00.000+01:00

Though the claim is ridiculous, there are some interesting events apparently happening in my area. Read this article from BBC news about an old man's pursuit "to denounce the abuse that the Catholic Church commits by profiting from its prestige to present historical facts as if they are real when they are only inventions;" in other words, claiming that the Catholic Church is commiting fraud by teaching that Jesus as a person existed.
Ha. Too ridiculous to comment on.

Confused

2006-01-21T18:48:00.000+01:00

One of those moments...
I still plan to write up my experience from last weekend, but at the moment am in the midst of graduate school applications and need to take a second to take my mind out of future worry overload. The question of the moment is: if I am going back to school to delay choosing a career and starting a real adult life, how am I supposed to know what to field to pursue? Isn't that a kind of catch-22?
This isn't the driving force behind my desire to go back to school, but at the same time it is partly true. Crap. OK back to checking out programs and trying to write statements and all that crap.

Coming Soon...

2006-01-15T19:16:00.000+01:00

"Do not the most moving moments of our lives find us all without words?"

Marcel Marceau

Three hours spent today in a tiny fourth-story flat have impacted me so dramatically that I am as of now without words to describe the experience. Soon to come...

Obedience

2006-01-08T19:59:00.000+01:00

Seems to be the main theme in my life right now. It is all over the place in what I am reading:
“But why do you call Me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and not do the things which I say? Whoever comes to Me, and hears My sayings and does them, I will show you whom he is like: He is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when the flood arose, the stream beat vehemently against that house, and could not shake it, for it was founded on the rock. But he who heard and did nothing is like a man who built a house on the earth without a foundation, against which the stream beat vehemently; and immediately it fell. And the ruin of that house was great.” Luke 6:46-49

But He answered and said to them, “My mother and My brothers are these who hear the word of God and do it.” Luke 8:21

And it all comes down to this: hearing from God isn't enough, just as believing isn't enough. We are required to respond, to do whatever it is God is asking of us. But I am discovering that there is a real pull in my human nature to try to revise whatever it is God is asking of me, to try to reason it out to find a way where I am still technically obeying but not having to do all that God is requiring. Just like a little kid. Ever notice how some kids are always attempting to push the limits, to see just how far they can go before crossing the line? Yeah unfortunately that is like me with God sometimes, even when I recognize that I am doing it I still need a major kick in the butt to just obey. Quite stupid of me, really, because between me and God it is obvious that He knows better. So why do I have such a difficult time just being obedient?

Merry Christmas!

2005-12-25T12:26:00.000+01:00

Buon Natale to all! Christmas is definitely different this year, being in a foreign country and not celebrating this holiday in the traditional way with my family and friends from home, but the beauty and love of Christ is all the same! Pray that you all experience God's love for us on this Christmas Day, and throughout the holidays and new year.

Furs

2005-12-20T22:25:00.000+01:00

diva
Originally uploaded by dlemieux.

This is definitely a magical and beautiful season, full of love and peace and all that, so I don't mean to taint it with negative soapbox preaching...but I will.
Why do people still buy fur coats? Or more importantly, why are they still being made? Yes, I know the economic factors about supply and demand, but honestly the whole idea of fur coats are incredibly cruel, ridiculous, and completely unnecessary. Waaaay back in the day, thousands of years ago, even hundreds of years ago, I understand how wearing animal furs could be justified. No reason for it today. It pisses me off so much!
So why bring this up now, a few days before Christmas? To attempt to prevent you from buying your loved ones fur coats as gifts. No, not really. Actually, it was spurred by an event this morning, I've been thinking about it all day, and had to get this off my chest. This morning I attended a Christmas pageant at the Italian version of a preschool here, to see the younger of the two boys I care for give an outstanding performance as a lumberjack in a interesting adaptation of the Nativity (the Baby Jesus was surrounded by Mary, Joseph, a donkey, angels, lumberjacks, wisemen, and decorated Christmas trees). Anyway, it was adorable, but I couldn't help but be distracted the fact that about a third to half of the mothers were decked out in elaborate and gaudy fur coats. I figured that most of the coats were fake, that even in fashion-conscious Italy fur was on the decline-wrong!! I asked friends later if this was the case, and was informed that no, in fact every coat was made with real fur, and they are actually coming back into style. In an article from the International Herald Tribune, "the fur coat is a nationally loved status symbol."
Okay, this is ridiculous. First, from a purely practical economic point of view: coats range from the low hundreds (not very common or good quality) to thousands to hundreds of thousands. Why buy one coat when you could buy 30 or 50 or 100 and warm those desparately in need? Or if you really want to spend the money on yourself, at least buy a whole new wardrobe rather than waste your money on one piece.
But the money factor is the least of this issue. Won't post it here, but really take some time to read this factsheet on the fur industry by PETA. Terrible but important information.
Honestly, I know I am not a good one to make judgements because I don't lead the most animal-rights-conscious lifestyle. I've been a vegetarian for 6 years now, but getting down to the technicalities of animals rights (take an organization like PETA, for instance) there are aspects I am aware of and overlook. I own leather boots. My friends can tease me about the time I tried to be vegan and lasted about 3 and a half days. All this to say, I am aware that my preaching is coming from a hypocritical mouth, but fur coats are where I draw the line. It saddens me to think that people would be either so ignorant, vain, superficial, or downright cruel to covet and proudly wear an article of clothing that promotes suffering and death.
With that, I leave you to enjoy the last few days before Christmas. Next post will be more festive and uplifting.

10 days left...

2005-12-14T22:59:00.000+01:00

How is it that as a child, waiting for Christmas Day seems like an eternity, but now I find myself wishing that the few short weeks in December leading up to the 25th were extended? This is the beauty of anticipation. Though it once was a cause of frustration and a source of impatience, I am discovering the indescribable appeal of hope, faith, waiting on promises, and expectations...

World AIDS Day

2005-11-28T22:13:00.000+01:00

An Angel of AIDS
Originally uploaded by camera_rwanda.

Perhaps you are already aware that the first of December is World AIDS Day, an internationally observed day started by the United Nations back in 1988. It is an understatement to say how completely terrible and devastating this disease is; thousands are left damaged and broken by the effects of AIDS every day. However, many of us are still unaware of just how serious this pandemic actually is. Take this test provided by World Vision and find out how much you know about AIDS. It takes only a minute. I was shocked by some of the information.
When living in a wealthy country with adequate health care, it is really easy to ignore the devastation of AIDS and other diseases that totally ravage the third world. But as uncomfortable as it is, we need to every day educate ourselves by facing the realities of this world, and make a conscious effort to do something. Observe World AIDS Day this December 1st.
Picture is from camera_rwanda that I found while surfing flickr. Check out her other photos-they are really amazing.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2005-11-24T18:44:00.000+01:00

Not that I would eat it anyway, but I miss the smell of a turkey roasting for the huge Thanksgiving meal! It doesn't seem like the start of the holidays without it. Oh well, guess pasta and wine will have to do. Have a great Thanksgiving everyone!

Auf Wiedersehen Deutschland

2005-11-12T23:24:00.000+01:00

Must bid adieu to the lush green German landscape tomorrow morning as I take an early train back to my beloved Venezia! Not knowing what to expect when I arrived in Freiburg two weeks ago, I will board the train tomorrow with many warm memories of my time spent in this area. Yes, as you may remember from a previous post, there were times when I was a bit frustrated by the language barriers. OK make that really frustrated. And the tyrannical brand monopolies. But that was all a small price to pay to experience the immense beauty of the scenery here and in Switzerland, the great food, the warm hospitality of those who welcomed and hosted me, and of course, the cows.

Day 42 of my travels is now coming to a close; as I reflect back on the start of this journey, perhaps the most significant change I notice in myself since then is a new understanding and recognition of the existence of a world so much larger and different than my own. We in America learn of other cultures from an early age, even celebrate them with holidays, and proudly claim our own unique ethnicity (I´m half-Greek, half-European mutt, woohoo!). Maybe call me naive, but personally, the existence of other distinct nations and cultures never became fully real to me until my feet touched new soil and I found myself trying to survive in a completely different context. Granted, the move from America to Europe is not quite as drastic as to, say, somewhere in the Middle East, but it still provides enough of a culture shock to disengage one´s sense of security.

Then this all gets me thinking about the human capacity to adapt to changing surroundings. Discovered at dinner tonight that I picked up more German than I realized in the past two weeks, at least enough to follow my friend´s conversation with his parents and know what they were saying about me. When words fail or language barriers are too much, it is actually quite easy to mime a problem or need. After nearly 6 weeks without a cell phone, I have determined that it is completely possible to survive in this world without certain forms of technology, although I don´t know how I would fare without an internet connection every few days. However, it really is true that there are relatively few necessities that one requires to survive day in and day out. Most things that we think we need in our lives are really just fluff.

Fluff...makes me think of foam...like the foam layered on top of freshly brewed espresso in a cappuccino...and the best cappuccinos are found in Italy...and the most expensives ones are found in Venice. But I guess you pay for the atmosphere too. So more to come from Venice. My (unrealistic) ambition is to fill up my empty 512 MB memory card over the course of two days. Wish me luck.

Experience, travel - these are as education in themselves.
Euripides

How do you say "Wal-Mart Supercenter" in German?

2005-11-08T02:35:00.000+01:00

Guess where I went today???

That´s right, a Wal-Mart Supercenter in Freiburg, Germany!
And other than certain products, it was almost exactly the same as in the States. Pretty trippy experience. The best part??? I found...

Crunchy peanut butter! I am sooooooooooooooo happy!
In other news, I just uploaded a ton of new pics to flickr, so check out my photos. And I apologize for whatever is going on with the sidebar. I am trying to fix it, but for now you´ll just have to scroll way down to click on any of my links.

Gospel Reaction

2005-11-07T08:52:00.000+01:00

Mark 8:34-38
When He had called the people to Himself, with His disciples also, He said to them, “Whoever desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel’s will save it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul? For whoever is ashamed of Me and My words in this adulterous and sinful generation, of him the Son of Man also will be ashamed when He comes in the glory of His Father with the holy angels.”

God, this pierces me every time I read it. It seems so easy to agree to what Jesus requires of me here and then I step out into real life...and it seems like every time I am faced with a decision to choose my pleasure or the cross, I can´t seem to hack it. What Jesus explains here, it makes perfect sense to me. And in no way do I want to be the one who gains the whole world and loses my soul in the process. But how do I play that out moment to moment? Perhaps I over-analyze each thought and movement but all I can see is how I am continuously falling short of the mark and it is so frustrating.
Due to being on vacation (and a long vacation at that), I have all this extra time on my hands to read my Bible and pray, but lately in my encounters with God my mind is completely overcome and engrossed by all my shortcomings. It would be more comfortable to avoid attempting to connect with Jesus completely but I´ve done that enough times in my life and know that is the worst thing to do. I know God is first and foremost the God of Grace...but how do I get a glimpse of that when I am blinded and distracted by all my sins and flaws and weaknesses?
Mainly I am so sick of this because there are so many problems in the world, so many people to pray for and help, and here I am consumed with my own issues that I wish I could just overcome. I miss connecting on a constant basis with those people who talk through this stuff with me and share their thoughts and experiences. As much as I long for and love my independence, my necessity for support is becoming evident for me now that I am actually completely on my own. I know none of us have life all figured out-we are all walking on this unpaved winding path, with no idea where exactly it is going. Having someone to walk with doesn´t magically bulldoze the path and make the finish line appear, but it provides that touch of encouragement one needs to continue when frustration appears and giving up seems like an option.

Travel-itis

2005-11-04T16:42:00.000+01:00

Day 36 of vacation, and I am experiencing a real case of frustration with my travels right now! Yes, Switzerland and Germany are lovely places, the food is still majorly delicious, and we had the most hilarious time at the Hofbräuhaus in Munich last night! (That will be the next post, after I upload pictures which truly add to the story.)
However, this is the point where the frustration sets in. First of all, I have been wearing the same clothes for a month now. No matter how creative I have become with layering one shirt over another, or trying a different scarf or earrings, I have now officially exhausted every single outfit opportunity there is. I am a little sick of doing laundry in hotel sinks, especially when the socks are never dry by the next morning! And I have had to repress every urge to buy cute little trinkets and souvenirs for the past 30 days, even passed up some amazing sales, knowing that my suitcase is full enough and I can´t buy anything new without getting rid of something. (I did ignore my rule for one blissful day in Switzerland, however, and bought some awesome new clothes for cheaper than I could find on sale in the states, even after the currency conversion!!! Ahhhh...sales...nothing is sweeter to my ears! I will have to part with some other clothes though when it is time to repack for the train, but am so sick of certain shirts that I will probably end up having a celebratory bonfire.)
While on the subject of luggage and products and such, my toiletry bag is running a little low, so today was the day to replenish the essentials. And apparently, I have come to find out, Germany has a nazi toiletry monopoly in effect! No really, I didn´t expect to find the same brands over here to choose from, but I was pleasantly surprised in both Greece and Italy to find a good number of brands I prefer. I am not that picky, but friends don´t call me "High Maintenance Sarah" for nothing; there are a few select brands that I absolutely detest and won´t ever ever buy. Not a problem, I thought, since in other countries there were always other options for me. But did I stock up in other countries? Nooooooooo. I had faith in Germany. And this morning, I came to find out that all pharmacies and markets and gas stations in Germany seem to stock all and ONLY the brands I detest. Lucky me. What I wouldn´t give for a Wal-Mart right now (and for those of you that know me well enough, you know that I seriously dislike Wal-Mart)...
And although I have been attempting to learn important words and phrases in German from my friend, I understand next to nothing here and it is really frustrating for independent me to be completely dependent on Albert to translate for me and order my meals. I feel like I am three. Grrrrr.
While speaking of language frustrations, perhaps you noticed that I mentioned in my last post that the z and the y on the keyboards here are completely opposite from those in America and Italy. Suffice it to saZ that I still am not used to that and find mZself having to check for tZpos constantlZ. Haha that is a bit funnZ though!
End of my travel rant. All in all, I would gladly take these minor inconveniences to be able to experience and see all that I have thus far. Just got to a point in my travels where vacation seemed more like work, that´s all. And I am realizing that cultural habits and customs run very deep; even after a month of being out of my home, I still want certain creature comforts. Like the freaking Tampax brand of tampons, and Tom´s of Maine toothpaste, and crunchy peanut butter...

Freiburg

2005-10-31T00:55:00.000+01:00

Freiburg
Originally uploaded by Seguace.

At the moment, in Freiburg, Germany, where the cows are happy and the "z" and the "y" on the computer keyboards are opposite from the states. So zou will forgive me if I make anz tzpos please...
The train ride from Venice to here was nice, albeit 10 hours long. It gave me a lot of down time to read, write, listen to music, enjoy the changing scenery, and (perhaps my most favorite activity of all) observe everyone around me. I don´t know why I am in such a philosophical mood as of late, but it was really an experience to see so many people from so many walks of life, speaking all sorts of different languages and all heading somewhere. And each person has a story, a complete life that I know nothing about, never will either, and that is only a fraction of the population of this world! (Mark wrote a blog on a topic similar to this a few months ago, and I believe Cole did as well but I can´t find it in his archives just now.) That is crazy to think about. Even crazier to imagine how much bigger God is than that, how He knows each one of us intimately, better than we know ourselves. This is a concept that I have the hardest time even beginning to try to wrap my mind around...and one I have been thinking about a lot lately, due to all this traveling, which definitely serves as a major wake-up call as to the size and extent of this world.
So Venice was a truly magical experience. The entire time there was a total dream; it was everything I had been expecting and anticipating, and then more. I didn´t take many more pictures after the first day because photographs really don´t do the place justice...just GO THERE! Experience it for yourselves!
Germany really is beautiful; it reminds me very much of Maine with the foliage and changing colors. The town I am staying in with my friend is right near the Black Forest. Tomorrow we start off on a weeklong trip through Switzerland and Germany, to see many things and places I can´t pronounce nor spell. Should be a blast though. In spite of my worries that I wouldn´t be able to eat anything while in Germany except pretzels and beer, I have actually had really great non-meat meals while here! And I will get reamed by the guys back at Campbell Hall for admitting this, but...I have been here over 24 hours and still haven´t had one taste of German beer! I promise I will before the trip is up. I did have a pretzel though, and also slid down a true German mountain on a bobsled-like contraption. I can´t explain it any better than that, but I do have a video of me doing it.
Hmmm, what else? I posted a ton of pictures, both from Freiburg today and also from other parts of my trip, so be sure to check those out on my picture link. The protest in Rome is up there as well.
Wish I could leave you with some really great German phrase but my translator is already asleep, and so far the only words I´ve learned shouldn´t be repeated here. Give me another week and I hope I will be able to say something clever.

Venezia

2005-10-27T20:03:00.000+02:00

Venezia
Originally uploaded by Seguace.

Venice is breathtaking. Absolutely stunning and beautiful. It makes me cry!

Da Sola a Roma

2005-10-26T19:53:00.000+02:00

On my own in Rome here. My parents just left this morning, and I am actually going through a bit of parental withdrawl! We've spent almost 24 hours a day together for the last 4 weeks, so it is a bit strange to realize that my plans for the next couple weeks are completely up to me. More on that later, but first some reflection on the last week or so since I updated ya'll...
The monastaries in Meteora, Greece, were astoundingly beautiful. Honestly one of the highlights of the entire trip thus far, and it was actually a part of the agenda that I wasn't even looking forward to. I really need to upload some more pictures, and promise I will do so soon, but the pictures still won't do the place justice. After that, we spent a couple of days in Athens-my brother, parents, and I. I enjoyed the time with them, but honestly I didn't care for the city of Athens too much. Except the last night there, we found a VEGETARIAN Greek restaurant! No joke-the entire menu was meatless, and I even ate vegetarian mousaka. That was awesome. And the whole time we were eating, my dad thought it would be funny to keep quoting that scene from My Big Fat Greek Wedding, where Ian is offered food but declines because he is a vegetarian, and the aunt says, "Oh, you are vegetarian. Well, here-have some lamb." Seriously, my dad acted out that scene about 8 times over the course of the meal.
Then my brother and the rest of us parted ways; he returned to California, and we returned to Rome. And we spent the last few days pretty much exploring the city on foot. Ohhh we experienced the Italian "organization" of the train system firsthand! I use the term "organization" as a joke!! We waited at one station for over 2 hours on Sunday for a train that just never came. Then we went to another station for a train going to the same place, and had to literally run to the platform as the train was pulling away because it had taken us forever to figure out where the train actually left from. We finally made it to our destination, albeit incredibly late, where we met the family I have been emailing regarding the possibility of working as a nanny for. That experience is a whole separate post, suffice it to say they are very warm and kind, the kids are adorable, the town is charming and beautiful, and I would have an entire VILLA all to myself! After spending the day (well, really only half a day after the delay of the trains) with them, we returned to Rome where we then waited 2 hours in line for a taxi. I've never waited in line that long in my life!! We could have walked or taken the bus but my parents didn't want to, and honestly none of us thought it would ever have taken that long. And then after waiting an hour, we became quite stubborn and were determined to get a taxi after waiting that long.
Another highlight: Read the story in the LA Times for the account of what we literally stumbled into! My parents and I were calmly strolling along back to our hotel from the Pantheon when we walked out onto a main street and noticed the line of police in full riot gear to our right, and the thousands of students to our left! We booked it out of the line of fire, but hung around a corner close by and I took a million pictures and even got some great footage with my video feature on my camera. Again, I will post pictures soon! Due to complete avoidance of TV and newspapers over the last month, I am so out of what's going on in the world, so I talked to some of the students and was able to find out what the deal was.
There is much more to tell; I have already filled up an entire journal with notes and observances and experiences! As you all know, I have issues with brevity...but I will deal with that later, and will end this for now. Tomorrow, I leave on the train for VENICE, which is what I have been most anticipating!!!!!!!!! So I am sure I will be posting again soon. Ciao!

The Tale of Sarahdromedus

2005-10-20T20:36:00.000+02:00

In honor of the many Greek mythologies I have heard while touring all these ancient sites over the past few days, I thought it would be fitting to share with you all a story known only to few, that of the encounter between Sarahdromedus and the Lizard Monster God. I warn you, what you are about to read is completely true, and may even prove to be too horrific for women and small children.
In the ancient city of Olympia, not long ago, our heroine Sarahdromedus was retiring for the evening after a long day of exploring temples and ruins and staring at statues. After conquering hundreds of steps carrying a sack of togas and beauty potions, Sarahdromedus entered her retiring chamber, where a cozy bed was awaiting her. Upon tossing her luggagopolis upon the bed, however, the movement stirred the sleeping Lizard Monster God from his slumber. He suddenly appeared from behind the bed, and after baring his horrific teeth to our poor unexpecting heroine, the gigantic Lizard Monster God proceeded to crawl with his super god powers all around the walls, defying gravity and scaring the shitopolis out of Sarahdromedus. She summoned all the powers of the winds of the east into her lungs and screamed, attracting the attention of her magnificent and fearless brother, Tadules, who rushed out of the Temple of the Porcelein Bowl to assist her in defeating the Lizard Monster God. Tadules grabbed his cameradides digitalus and was able to capture the soul of the Lizard Monster God into a much smaller screen, but unfortunately the physical body of the LMG escaped into a teeny hole in the ceiling. After trying to explain to the palace workers what had happened (without knowing the word for lizard in Greek), Sarahdromedus and Tadules switched bedchambers with their even-more fearless parents the Ramspottians, in case the Lizard Monster God attempted to return in the night. And to this very day, Tadules still holds the soul of the Lizard Monster God in his cameradides digtalus, and thanks to technology, I will soon be able to show you on this very site the horrors of the LMG. Stay tuned...

True story, I promise you! We have been touring around all the ancient cites of Greece since Tuesday, including Mycenae, Olympia, Corinth, Delphi, and tomorrow morning (my 22nd birthday!!!!!!!!!!!) we will visit monastaries at the tops of these giant rocks in Meteora. Then, back to Athens. My brother's sense of humor is rubbing off on me, as you might notice from the story. I am loving the time with him (he is sitting next to me in an internet cafe as I type) and my parents as well. So many great memories that I will keep with me forever...

Bronze dude

2005-10-17T21:40:00.000+02:00

Bronze dude
Originally uploaded by Seguace.

Note: I am not complaining...
But I have discovered that after museum after museum, all these ancient statues and artifacts begin to look the same. Deja vu all over again.

Athena

2005-10-16T18:40:00.000+02:00

In Athens, Greece now. We disembarked the cruise ship today and met up with my brother right near this archeological musuem. We've just been wandering around the city today, and I've been trying to catch up on sleep. Strange that I barely slept on a cruise, but I need a definite rest after that trip! After Gallipoli, we docked in Katakalon, Greece. It was a really cute little fishing village with some great people and shops. I met this wonderful woman who I bought a ring and bracelet from...she was so warm and welcoming. My parents and I ended up talking to her for an hour and she invited me to visit her and stay with her sometime! Turns out she has cousins that live in the next town over from us in Maine too. Total small world. The island of Santorini was beautiful too, albeit totally touristy! My mom and I rode up the hill on donkeys. I thought I would die laughing it was so much fun. Rhodes was beautiful. We saw the Acropolis of Lindos. It is amazing to me here that pracically everywhere you turn there are these ancient ruins from thousands of years ago! I bought some beautiful lace tablesloths from this little yaya granny who was parked on a hillside and made them as I watched! We then stopped in Kusadasi, Turkey and took a tour to the ancient ruins of Ephesus. Seeing those ruins puts a whole new perspective on reading the letter of Paul to the Ephesians. I saw all these places where he walked and visited. Pretty crazy! We also saw near there the house that Mary, the mother of Jesus, supposedly lived in towards the end of her life.
So I've been in Europe for approximately 2 weeks now. We've seen so much in such a short amount of time that I'm trying to look back and reflect on what has really stood out thus far. Honestly, I've met the most amazing people, both fellow travellers and locals alike!! The sights are breathtaking, but the times spent talking with people are the memories I will keep with me forever. Definitely boosts my faith in humanity. Everyone I've talked to has been so kind and generous and authentic. It trips me out to think of how huge this world really is, and how lucky I am to cross paths with the people I am meeting now.
I am also really enjoying having my brother here with us now. We never were that close as kids, but the older we get the more we relate. I know my parents really appreciate having us all together as well.
OK well I am going to add some pics to my Flickr account after I post this, so check those out as well. Love to you all!!

The Latest Adventures

2005-10-11T17:05:00.000+02:00

Since I last wrote, we have visited the island of Elba, a quaint little Italian island where Napoleon was exiled for some time. We strolled around town and my great buys for the day were some beautiful earrings in a little store overlooking the ocean, and the Italian version of Rohald Dahl's The BFG, which is called in Italian Il GGG. I'm loving it! We spent a day at sea, relaxing and catching up on sleep, and saw the Stromboli volcano. Then on Sunday we were in Messina, Sicily, where we saw an amazing clock performance from a church tower at noon. Yesterday was spent in Malta, where we visited (and touched) the oldest human-built structures, called Hagar Qim built about 6,000 years ago!!!
Today I just returned to the ship from Gallipoli, Italy, a charming little fishing village. It was beautiful-pretty much stereotypical little Italian village. We wandered about, sat at a caffe and ate gelato, drank some GOOD Italian coffee, and just enjoyed the locals. I made good friends with a dog who hung out with me while I sat on a wall overlooking the ocean and wrote some postcards.
From here on out we will be visiting Greece on the cruise, which I am really looking forward to, although I will be missing Italy. I have met some really amazing people on the cruise ship itself, from all over the world. My highlights really though have been meeting the locals in each town. Even if my Italian isn't perfect, I have been able to chat with little old ladies leaning out from their balconies and kids leaving school and old men sitting watching the vespas race by! That has been an absolute delight.
I really miss you all back home. A few days ago I broke down on the ship and just bawled, realizing that as cool as all these people are that I am meeting, I miss the comfort of good old friends back home! And I am sad to realize that I won't see you for awhile. So please know I love you all and miss you, and think of you all often with all these new places I am visiting. Can't wait to share more...

Firenze, Monte Carlo

2005-10-07T02:10:00.000+02:00

My two favorite experiences from the last two days:
In Firenze (Florence) yesterday, after we were shuffled through the Accademia where the original David by Michelangelo is located, we walked to the political center of town, where another model of David stands along with tons of original masterpiece statues. I wandered away from the tour group and crowds up to the top of some steps, and heard the classical guitar. A man was playing a few feet away from me, and as I stood there, surrounded by all this antiquity, he began to play Mimi's Theme from Puccini's La Boheme (which some of you might know is my absolute favorite opera). It was beautiful. Honestly an experience that I can't even begin to describe. I seriously started crying, amazed by my surroundings and the wonder of it all.
Today we spent the day exploring Monte Carlo, Monaco on our own. Apparently, 3% of the world's wealth is found here among the residents, which is pretty impressive in a city of 30,000. We went to an aquarium where we saw these crazy tropical and mediterranean fish; I thought that the Monterey Bay Aquarium was great but it has nothing on this! We wandered into a concert hall there, and an acoustic bass was set up on a stage with a huge movie screen behind it. Then a man came in, and since I couldn't remember any French I started talking to him in Italian (only to switch over to English when we both realized that our English was better). Long story short, he gave my parents and I a private concert in this huge hall. He normally plays silent movies of whales and then accompanies the pictures with sounds of whales made all on his bass. Well, he couldn't play the film, but played this whole "Whale Song" for us and I am still amazed! It sounded crazy! If I had closed my eyes I would have thought I was in the middle of a boat on the ocean-he made the bass play wave sounds and whale clicking and mooing and whatever it is they do (think Dorie from Finding Nemo, only prettier!). I can't believe that sounds like that can come from an instrument.
Many other experiences, obviously, but those are the highlights! We were supposed to go to Ajaccio, Corsica tomorrow but on account of the riots there the ship is heading to Elba, Italy instead. Miss you all!

Roma

2005-10-03T23:33:00.000+02:00

In Roma, and it is amazing! More than anything I expected. The buildings and artwork are exquisite and it is astounding to see ruins from thousands of years ago standing in the middle of a modern city. The people are wonderful and the food is sooooooooooooooo good. I have had so much fun speaking italian with everyone I can. I have one minute left on the computer, but more to come later. We board our cruise tomorrow and the first stop will be Livorno, the port to Firenze (Florence).

And I'm off!!

2005-10-02T19:32:00.000+02:00

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go...
We are waiting around for the car that is coming to take us to the airport. I can't believe how little I am bringing (a first for me!) and yet how full my suitcase and backpack are. So this is the last of my blogs from this country for awhile; the next will be written from somewhere in Italy!! Many adventures to come...

Purpose

2005-09-28T05:33:00.000+02:00

This is it! I have been planning this vacation for so long that now that my departure is only a few days away, it all seems surreal. All the changes I made in the course of a week (moving my stuff out of SB to my parents house, packing for Europe, and saying goodbye to my community of friends) all hit me once I stepped on the plane for Maine and finally let myself breathe. There is a possibilty that I might work for a family in Italy during this next coming year, which is extremely exciting but also a little scary-considering it would be in a full other country, an ocean away from all that I know. And I know that people are all pretty divided in their opinions about this, but I am feeling more confident about it as time passes. As I have been praying, there have been answers after answers of confirmation, and most importantly I have received so much peace about it. I don't know for sure yet, so we'll see...I will meet the family at the end of October and we'll decide at that time. Please keep me in your prayers over this!!
Obviously it hit me that if this opportunity goes through, I would be moving into a new community for a year or so. I am so glad that I will be coming home for Christmas regardless, because otherwise I would be realllllly missing my friends and family. Mainly, I have been thinking about how during this time (even my vacation), I will be totally accountable in my life and relationship with Jesus. I realize how lazy I can be when I am able to rely on friends to call me up and push me and ask me if I am reading my Bible or how my prayer life is, or listen to Pastor Billy's take on a spiritual issue. And even though I can find a chuch over there and stay honest with my mentors over email, it is totally settling in that my relationship with God will be directly related to what I put in and how earnestly I seek Him. That thought is kicking my butt into gear and causing me to be a lot more disciplined and purpose-driven. On the plane I read through Corinthians and I was loving this passage from 1 Cor. 15:10...
But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me was not in vain; but I labored more abundantly than they all...
It caused me to think of how I desperately do not want God's grace in my life to be in vain. I don't want to abuse His grace to just take it easy and wander through my life having fun. I am praying that while on vacation God shows me opportunities daily to serve Him and bring His Kingdom to those around me, that I would greatly experience His presence in my daily life and constantly be sharing it with the humanity that is all around me. I am praying for focus, because I know how easy it can be to get all distracted on vacation and get lazy in my spiritual life; instead I want the opposite, to be able to take this extra time to go so much deeper into the heart of God and discover more about His purpose for my life.
More to come-I will try to post often about what my experiences on the trip!!

Do Something!

2005-09-12T09:33:00.000+02:00

(So that Ryan won't have to look at Mike Tyson's HOT face any longer...)

This passage in Romans 4 has been roaming around in my mind for the last week:

Abraham never wavered in believing God's promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger, and in this he brought glory to God. He was absolutely convinced that God was able to do anything he promised. And because of Abraham's faith, God declared him to be righteous.

Perhaps this stood out so strongly to me because of my own situation. You see, I woke up from a fear coma a couple weeks ago. All the recent changes in my life hit me at pretty much the same time, and my reaction could best be described as a deer in the headlights.
Fear has different effects on everyone. Think of any typical horror movie: the creepy music starts, and we see the shadow of the killer slowly approaching his next target. The reflection in the window or television alerts the possible victim, and she always picks one of three choices: run towards the killer and fight, run away up the stairs, or stand still and do nothing. Even though we always groan when the target runs up the stairs, we forget that the only surely-lethal choice would be to stand there and do nothing. Fear that can paralyze is a lethal fear; it is dangerous to our physical bodies, but perhaps even more so to our spiritual relationship with the Lord. I can definitely be a perfectionist at times, and so over the last month or so, my biggest fear was to make a move and screw everything up. Yet I kept overlooking the fact that by doing the least I could do to survive, I was missing out on God's fulfilling purpose for my life. Jesus told us that He came to bring us abundant and fulfilling life, not a satisfactory and fair life. I started wondering which would be worse: to live a safe, okay, never terrible but never extraordinary life, or fully run after God's promises, risking failure and everything else in order to see the possibilty of God's promises fulfilled? It seems like an easy enough choice, but in the midst of it all, it can be daunting...paralyzing, even.
Oh wow-I really could elaborate on this, but to get back to the scripture that's been running around in my mind, it is pretty amazing to consider how scary the situation must have seemed to Abraham. Everything God had promised him seemed physically and completely impossible, and yet his faith not only remained unchanging, it grew stronger. Abraham was absolutely convinced that God could do anything He promised, although the promises were far beyond anything he could have ever dreamed. So why would it be any different for me? I am completely sure of certain promises the Lord has shown me, so I have to continue on, trusting that if I seek His Kingdom first, God will guide me to see those promises come to pass, even if I run up the stairs when I should be heading the other way.

Who's Your Daddy?

2005-08-04T02:53:00.000+02:00

Ooooookay...my results were a little strange:

Your Daddy Is Mike Tyson

What You Call Him: Papi
Why You Love Him: He takes you to church

Who's Your Daddy?

But I stiiiiiiiill love technology...

2005-07-15T21:30:00.000+02:00

Hey ya'll,
Be patient with me as Ryan Myers helps me to reformat and redeisgn my blog!
For you Napoleon Dynamite Kip-lovers, here is my version of the song:
I love technology,
even though it frustrates me,
but I still love technology
always and forever.
Can't wait until all the changes are made!!

Sinners and Saints

2005-07-13T10:36:00.000+02:00

An interesting excerpt from What's So Amazing About Grace by Philip Yancey:

"Readers of the Gospels marvel at Jesus' ability to move with ease among the sinners and outcasts. Having spent much time around 'sinners' and also around purported 'saints,' I have a hunch why Jesus spent so much time with the former group: I think he preferred their company. Because the sinners were honest about themselves and had no pretense, Jesus could deal with them. In contrast, the saints put on airs, judged him, and sought to catch him in a moral trap. In the end it was the saints, not the sinners, who arrested Jesus."

I happened to pick this book up by chance while helping the Hardmans (a family I babysat for almost 3 years) move into their new home in Denver. After a late night of reading in bed, I was engrossed and finished the book on the flight home, in part thanks to a long delay. My mind is now overloaded with concepts and thoughts of grace and forgiveness, both in God's relationship with humanity and our relationships with others. All in all, it is a very interesting read, very thought-provoking. No matter what you believe or how you feel towards God, I would recommend reading it.

Didn't mean for this to be a book report or a plug for Yancey. In fact, I wanted to share some of my own responses to what I have been absorbing. The book stirred up in me many feelings and ideas, many of which are encouraging and loving, but somehow it is always easier to use my writing to vent frustration. So (as I climb on my soapbox) here goes:

Perhaps out of the entire book, the passage I copied above stood out to me the most. Maybe this is because of personal circumstances; in the last couple months, I have spent a lot of time with a group of friends from school. Some might choose to label them as "sinners" because none of them attend church or profess to know or follow Jesus. However, I consider them great friends and have deeply cherished every moment we've spent together. In fact, Yancey's description of the sinners Jesus hung around with describes my friends to a T: not only are they honest about themselves and without pretense, but they accept me as me, without judgement. They love me, knowing who I am and what I stand for. This still shocks me, because these are people, like many in our society today, who are wary of any person who claims to be a Christian. Neither do I blame them, with all the hypocrisy and hatred that surrounds the religious right and American churches. Bottom line: I expect to be judged from those outside the Church looking in at me, and loved (faults and all) by those within. I think this is a common expectation, one that Jesus Himself explained and longed for; however, somehow, who knows when exactly, the Church that Jesus built became just the opposite. And I experience this in my own life. Why is there so much judgement, exclusion and hatred inside the Church...the institution that is supposed to represent God's Kingdom? God, after all, is one of perfect love and grace. I don't understand it.

For all my ranting, please understand (especially because I know many of my friends from Aqueous will be reading this) that I am not aiming my critiques at you! It is just the opposite, in fact. I feel blessed to have a spiritual family surrounding me that is so loving and represents Christ's love more than any other church community I have known. I am thankful for how you have accepted me and loved me. Yet I know we as a Church are not perfect. I know this because I know my own weaknesses; I know where I personally fall short and judge and hate and exclude and I can't stand that about myself. I've been burned by a lot of people who profess to love Christ...but I know (and sadly admit) that I have also misrepresented God in so many ways to so many people. Perhaps I am so frustrated with the Church falling so short of the grace of Christ because I know how freaking far I am from His perfect representation.

It is pretty hard to sum up my ramblings, but I guess it can go like this: to those of you who love and follow Jesus, examine in your own life where you fall short of knowing God's grace for yourself and then showing that to others. That's what I am trying to do. More than ever now, I just want to be honest about where I am, even when and especially when it means admitting that I don't know all the answers and I jack up a lot. And by doing this I know I am opening myself up to judgement within the Church because I may not fit into all the preformed and acceptable standards, but at this point I don't care anymore. I just want to be accountable to Jesus and make sure that I am truly following Him, rather than trying to find acceptance with the religious. Look back to the passage by Yancey. We should stop trying to be like the Pharisees, who masked themselves and chose a fake perfection over a true forgiveness. Instead, we need to just admit, once and for all, that we are those whores and tax collecters and other types of scum that desperetely crawled towards Jesus, as honest open vessels, and admit how terrible we really are.

To those of you who don't believe in God or don't want to or wish you could or kinda like Jesus but don't want to commit to anything more: please forgive those Christians (like me) that have burned you or rejected you or hurt you...in short, those who have not been very Christlike to you. I hope more than anything that we as Christians would learn how to stop judging the world, and instead start showing you the grace and love that we've experienced, that God has shown and extended to everyone. The thing I pray you would understand is that, contrary to what many religious Christians would try to have you believe, we most definitely do noooooot have it all together and are not perfect...if anything, we are far more screwed up than you are. In fact, attempting to follow Jesus has been one of the most damaging things to my self-esteem because never before have I realized how far I fall from the standards for "good." I just wish you would understand why I do what I do, and why I want so desperately for you to experience Jesus for yourself. The love of Jesus Christ (of the Gospel, not of Americanized TBN Mega-churches) is the most amazing and beautiful experience one can ever know, on earth and for eternity. If I know nothing else, (as my ramblings may suggest) I do know how deep the Father loves us, even when the churches do not. The love of Jesus surpasses that all. I pray the Church would experience a revolution and begin to start showering Christ-like grace and love upon the disgusting, lonely, destitute, poor, diseased, and evil of this world. But even if we can't, I am assured that we will always find that love and acceptance in God, irregardless of how sinful or saintly we might be.

Wow

2005-06-27T09:38:00.000+02:00

For all we make of organized religion and God, sometimes it is just so simple:

In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.
I John 4:10-11

I'll Just Say B.A.

2005-06-10T08:08:00.000+02:00

I'M DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(And I still don't know-did I just get a Bachelor's of Art, or a Bachelor of Arts???)

UCSB Top Ten

2005-06-06T23:02:00.000+02:00

In anticipation of my upcoming graduation from UCSB (only 1 more final to go), I have decided to post a list of the top ten things I've learned while in Santa Barbara:
10. Isla Vista is not really the most densely populated square mile west of the Mississippi, nor does it have the greatest STD rate in America, nor do we consume 1% of the nation's alcohol. Those are all myths.
9. The most educated people in the world still can't operate basic technology (Case in point: professors that can't figure out how to turn on mics).
8. High heels and bicycles do not mix well. Note: I was never stupid enough to attempt this, but I saw many an accident from this combination.
7. Never park your car under a eucalyptus tree.
6. Making these lists is harder to do than it seems.
5. The peanut is neither a pea nor a nut. It is a legume. Talk amongst yourselves.
4. School elections are still a popularity contest, and still don't matter.
3. Nothing tastes quite as good as Freebirds at 3am.
2. Senioritis is an actual medical condition.
1. Sorry Mom and Dad, but it is really hard to come up with ten things I learned in college, other than useless tidbits.

My brain is slightly fried...I'm hoping to come up with actual deep thoughts next month, but for now, expect more random postings.

A Truth Perspective from a Wannabe Deadhead

2005-05-11T08:50:00.000+02:00

"Truth is something you stumble into when you think you're going somewhere else."
-Jerry Garcia
I've gotta give mad props to the lead singer of the Grateful Dead, because this quote describes my life with complete accuracy. As I have been writing (and rewriting for the umpteenth time) the letter for my graduation announcements, it has caused me to reflect on the last four years of my life here in Santa Barbara. And I realize how I initially came to UCSB four years ago with extremely different ideas and expectations for my life. I was still trying to process the attacks of September 11th (I flew here not even a week after it happened), trying to make this crazy long-distance relationship work, believing all there was to life was theatre, adjusting to saying goodbye to my parents for the first time...all this while being thrown into 860-seat leacture halls and forced to share a bathroom for the first time in my life. Somewhere in all of this, I stumbled into Jesus. Honestly, when I think back to that year, I can't believe how experiencing the living breathing God has since completely transformed my innermost being. Ahhh...it would make for an interesting book.
It seems like even now, in my humanness as I make mistakes and get distracted from Jesus' call to mission, He places Himself just so, that I can never stray too far on my own path without stumbling across the Truth once again. Pretty cool...

My Gross, Dirty, Beautiful Hike

2005-04-25T18:20:00.000+02:00

I went on the best hike last week. There is this dirt trail a couple blocks behind my house that follows a creek. Last summer a friend of mine introduced me to this small little crossing over the creek that leads to another trail through all these deserted fields and eventually ends up on the cliffs that overlook the ocean. But after all the rains this winter, the crossing was washed away, so I gave up going that way on walks. But my friend told me last week that the crossing was put back up, so a couple hours before sunset I decided to go out. The landscape was different than I remembered it, with a lot more growth. But it was totally beautiful, so I kept walking. That is, until the grass and flowers and crazy brush became really high, and to continue it meant having to walk through knee-high vegetation. Alright, for most people this wouldn't be a problem, but I am not a very outdoorsy person. I don't like camping because I get dirty. And the thought of snakes or bugs scares the crap out of me!! So I started freaking out, thinking that since I couldn't see beneath the growth, there could be a snake there that I could step on, and then it would bite me, and I would fall and die of poison out in the middle of nowhere with bugs crawling on me. Gross. Seriously though, I contemplated just turning back, even though I knew the glorious view that was awaiting me. Honestly, I want to take everyone I know on this walk, because you just walk for ages, not able to see anything except for fields, and then all of a sudden this vast huge glorious ocean is there. I was so close, but to get there, I would have to walk through this vegetation that was scary to me because I didn't know what was under it. So finally I made the choice to go on, knowing that the sight I would soon see would be worth it, even if a snake bit me and spiders crawled up my legs. But other than a few burrs, I made it through the scary forest just fine. And I can't even begin to describe the feeling once I reached the edge of the cliff. I ended up just falling on my knees (in the DIRT!!!! That was a big step for me!), just praying and praising God. And it was so awesome...this small moment, but God showed me insight as I overcame this wussy fear of mine.
How many people give up on God when the going gets tough, or messy, or scary? And the most tragic thing is that the blessing and reward is often only a few more steps ahead. I felt the Lord encouraging me (and us as a community of believers) in learning the meaning of longsuffering. I can't find this scripture now (so if you have it, leave it in the comments), but I keep thinking of the Lord's promise to us that those who withstand to the end will be saved. God isn't telling us that we have to triumphantly defeat every attack that comes towards us, but tells us that all we have to do is just withstand! Hang on to Him in every storm, refuse to give up to the promise He has in store for us, and we will be saved! Anyway, it was a pretty cool experience. If you ever want to go on that hike sometime, I'm down!!

AAA Customer of the Year

2005-04-02T01:41:00.000+02:00

My car is all better now, completely fixed, even better than before because the AWESOME guys at Ian's Tires on State Street are the BEST! (If you have no idea what I am talking about, read the post from a few days ago.) They took all the locks off my tires so I will never again have to deal with this problem, rotated them, fixed the leak for good, and gave me rides to boot, all for $105. I am pleasantly surprised. God has totally provided for me over the past couple days, as He always does. I am so stoked that God forgives my mistrust and doubt and worries, because I certainly had enough of those. But He never lets me down. I am reminded of Psalm 34:5 that proclaims: "I have been young, and now I am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his descendants begging bread." So true!
The best part of the story: In a truely smooth move, when I dropped my car off this morning, I locked my keys in the car at the shop!!! I had to call AAA to get them to unlock the car before they could fix my tires...it was pretty funny. Could I be any more disfunctional with cars!?!?!

Shit Happens

2005-03-30T18:23:00.000+02:00

I get it now.
Really, I have heard this tons of times, but it took a turn of events in my own life for me to fully know and understand this aspect of life.
It says in Matthew 5:45 that God causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good alike, and sends rain on both the righteous and unrighteous. Or, in the words of Forrest Gump, "Shit happens." We can be assured that bad stuff will happen to good people. Furthermore, being a follower of Christ does not prevent us or help us avoid trouble. On the contrary, many Christians suffer and are persecuted for their devotion to God. So what does this have to do with me?
Long story short, I arrived home late last night after a long day of school and work. As I stepped out of my car, I heard this loud hissing coming from my rear left tire, and looked at it to discover a nail in it. Knowing that it would be flat in the morning, I called AAA to have them change it last night, figuring I would drive on the spare and get the tire fixed sometime today. An hour later (the driver couldn't find my house), the AAA dude arrives, jacks up my car, gets my spare, yada yada yada. Then he asks me, "So where is your key?" I thought he meant my car keys or something. "No, no. I need the key to your tire lock."
WHAT?!?!
Apparently my tires have locks on them, and I supposedly have a key for them. I vaguely remember this from the last time I got my tires changed, and figured it was in my glove compartment. It wasn't. In fact, the key is nowhere to be found. This is a pretty lame mistake on my part, but the fact is that not only could the AAA dude not change my tire, and now I am without a car, and don't know how or when I will be able to get it fixed. This seemed like a bigger deal last night when I added that to the list of everything else that wasn't working, like my internet for the last five days, and the homework I had to do. Not a big deal in comparison to what other people in the world are going through, like starving to death or fighting mad diseases. But I wasn't thinking about that last night, I'm ashamed to say. I just had myself a pity party and kept thinking how this messed up my perfect schedule.
Thankfully, God humbled me pretty well this morning. The biggest lesson He reminded me? That the context for His grace and miracles occur in the midst of suffering. How would God have parted the Red Sea for the Israelites to cross had they not been slaves in Egypt for over 400 years? There are a million other examples of how God showed up in the midst of hardship and problems. Contrary to what we can believe when we are having problems, God does not give us trouble as punishment or judgement. But He does, without a doubt, show up and offer His help to us when we are at our lowest.
I've gotta get moving, but I'll write more later. Bottom line, I'm trusting on God to cover me and show me His grace in amazing ways. Who knows what will happen with my car, but God will not leave me starving or stranded. This is all part of the journey!

Really, Now

2005-03-23T05:07:00.000+01:00

Instruction #7 in the guide that came with my new hair dryer:

Never use while sleeping.

Hmmm...there go my plans for the night.

World on Fire

2005-03-12T08:22:00.000+01:00

A couple weeks ago at Aqueous, Ryan shared the video to "World on Fire" by Sarah McLachlan. The lyrics are powerful, to say the least. And if you haven't seen the video, take a moment and watch it. It will rock you.

World On Fire by Sarah McLachlan

The worlds on fire its more then I can handle
Ill tap into the water try and bring my share
Try to bring more, more then I can handle
Bring it to the table
Bring what I am able

Hearts are worn in these dark ages
Youre not alone in these stories pages
The light has fallen amongst the living and the dying
And Ill try to hold it in
Yeah Ill try to hold it in

Chorus

I watch the heavens but I find no calling
Something I can do to change whats coming
Stay close to me while the skys falling
I dont wanna be left alone dont wanna be alone

Chorus

Hearts break hearts mend love still hurts
Visions clash planes crash still theres talk of
saving souls still colds closing in on us

We part the veil on our killer sun
Stray from the straight line on this short run
The more we take the less we become
The fortune of one man means less for some

Chorus

It's Raining

2005-02-18T18:15:00.000+01:00

Massive amounts of rain have poured over (supposedly sunny) Santa Barbara the last two months. I swear that it has rained more this winter season than it has over the past three years combined. I've noticed how grumpy people get with the inconvenience of the rain because we are so used to the normally perfect weather here. As I was driving to UCSB this morning, there was a break in the clouds and the sun just poured through. It was a beautiful sight, really-it was hard to keep my eyes on the road. I kept glancing out over the gray ocean, the islands in the distant background, all dreary and covered by clouds, which completely contrasted the few spots of bright pure sunlight. It was beyond words.
Anyway, it got me thinking about human nature and our relationship with God. We (in the general sense) are living in these self-made and contained storms. I think it is Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh (I might be wrong) who in one story has this little rain cloud that follows him along. That is kind of like us. We drag our crap with us everywhere we go and hold on to our bondages; we live in a perpetual storm of spiritual darkness. But God is pure perfect light; He desires to completely wash over us and bring His blindingly brilliant light into our lives. And yet how many of us allow Him to do that? Even those who have experienced that breakthrough of His power in their lives sometimes decide to return to the cloudy darkness that they were used to rather than allow God to disintegrate everything blocking His rays. God wants to do so much more in our lives than we allow Him too; He wants us to experience the fullness of His presence rather than bits and pieces here and there. He leaves it up to us...but why stay situated under the dismal clouds when the concentrated ray of light is but a step away?

Yah...

2005-02-03T07:46:00.000+01:00

"The moment I realized that God existed, I knew that I could not do otherwise than to live for Him alone."
Charles de Foucauld

Me Me Me

2005-01-20T20:52:00.000+01:00

I have a tendency to get lost in the little "world of Sarah," and get so caught up in all my daily routines that my perspective can get pretty jacked. All of a sudden, I step back and see that I've been looking at the Kingdom of God from my tiny eyes rather than from God's view. I was walking across campus yesterday on my way to class, and thinking of what I had to accomplish that day when I started looking at all the people around me. It was a trip to imagine that all of those people had intricate complicated lives, and that God knew every single detail about them. Furthermore, the people I saw were only a grain of sand compared to the huge beach of human existence. It blew my mind how huge God is. David asks in Psalm 8, "What are mortals that You should think of us, mere humans that You should care for us?" Yeah, I ask this a lot. Especially when I look at myself and realize all the crappy areas that God knows of me and yet still loves me passionately-more than I'll ever know. I don't understand it, but it is amazing all the same.

Direction?

2004-12-11T17:47:00.000+01:00

Woohooo...just finished finals a couple days ago. It has been soooo relaxing. But then yesterday, this thought hit me hard: after two more quarters (and a summer course too) I will be a college graduate. Yes, that sounds exciting, but at the same time it is scary to me! I started preschool pretty early at age 3, so I have been in school for 18 years of my life. It is all I know. And now in less than a year, I am going to be thrown out into the real world. On one hand, I would love to stay in the college world forever, yet there are so many things out there in the world that I want to see and experience. I think what is most scary to me is knowing that there are a million options in front of me. All I want is to follow the path that Jesus has laid for me. Even though I intensely worry about making the "right" choices, God constantly reassures me that I can never wander from His presence. No matter if I make a decision based on my stupid impulsive decisions rather than listening to His Spirit, because there is no place that I can go that God won't be there with me. I have discovered, with my life, that God can take any decision or action contrary to His Word and redeem it for His glory. So that is reassuring.
I'm not that worried about five, ten or fifty years down the line. I know that God has that all laid out and He will guide me once I get there. But I am scared about these choices that lay right in front of me. Why does it seem like I can hear Jesus with everything but this? I could stay in Santa Barbara next year and continue doing what I have been doing, sans school. God will totally provide through nannying and piano lessons because He has over and over again. I'm not worried about making a living. I love Santa Barbara and feel like God has called me here for an extended period of time. But then there are all these other options: should I try to continue with school, to get certified to teach? Kristin keeps saying I should go to massage school. But the biggest option that I am seriously struggling with is Europe.
I want to travel so much. Although I've done a ton of traveling within the US, I've never been outside of the country (besdes Canada, but that doesn't count). Fall next year, my parents and I are planning a three week vacation to Italy and Greece, but more and more I find myself wanting to stay there for a good six months, just to travel around. This seems like the perfect time to do it; I'm young, single, and have no attachments (except Orlando, but my parents could take care of him). But the biggest question that floats around in my mind asks is this what God wants for me? Because as much as I love the thought of hanging out in Europe and really being able to practice my Italian in Italy, I know that if it isn't God's plan for me I will be miserable.
A ton of random thoughts, I know. Mainly, I'm asking for prayer in this area. Please please please pray for me regarding the immediate future. I don't know why I get so stressed out with making decisions about my life when over and over again God has consistently shown me what to do, and of course it has been amazing. You think I would learn, but I don't and so now I am still a big stressball even though school is on a break right now. AHHHH. But in spite of all this, Jesus is still so rad. I've been getting a lot out of reading the Word lately. I've been reading the Message Bible, and it gives a totally new perspective. I appreciate your prayers. And make sure to check back a lot during December. I have a lot more time to blog now.

No Words to Describe

2004-11-15T07:46:00.000+01:00

Still reeling from the women's encounter weekend with the ladies from Aqueous. We spent Friday evening and all of Saturday in Ventura, and God showed up in a radical way. It was amazing and I am still exhausted, but in a good way. A couple of people have asked me what we did there, but all I can say is that God totally defied itinerary. And I have a whole new appreciation of how Jesus truly sets people free. Over the last year I think I've become pretty hardened and bottled up a lot of emotions. I really struggle with allowing myself to grieve or experience pain, and because of that I trivialized the real pain and sheer sadness that people can feel. Thus, I overlooked the complete comfort and peace that only Jesus can give. So this weekend was a huge shattering of those walls I had set up. God seriously reached into the depths of my heart and showed me how much He cares for each one of His children. The words He said to the prophet Jeremiah had all new meaning for me after Saturday:
Before I shaped you in the womb, I knew all about you. Before you saw the light of day, I had holy plans for you."
That's the best I can say right now to describe the changes in me from this weekend! I'm still trying to process all that went on. More to come...

Happy Birthday to Me!!

2004-10-21T19:23:00.000+02:00

On this historical day 21 years ago, I was born! You know how people always ask you on your birthday, "do you feel a year older?" Well, I do feel older somehow. I've been reflecting this morning on my life up to this point. Amazingly enough, this will be my last year at UCSB. By the middle of summer, I will be a college graduate! And most of you don't know this yet, but I officially changed my major from Dramatic Arts to Italian Studies yesterday. This all seems pretty surreal. I think turning 21, in combination with graduating, makes me feel like a total adult! Although it is new territory and a little intimidating, my life right now is so exciting, mainly because I am so aware of how God is active and moving in me. I read the quintessential birthday psalm earlier (Psalm 139), and no matter how often I read it, the words of David still move me. Verses 13-16:
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
It is so comforting to hear the truth that all the days of my life are laid out in God's plan. Maybe some people would prefer to believe in fate or making their own future, but I am content knowing that the God of the universe knew all the days of my life before He ever formed me. I rest assured in the knowledge of how much He loves me, mainly because I know all He has done so that I could know Him. I am so grateful to my Lord for creating me, and placing the desire within me and the means through Jesus to connect with Him, just like He does with all His children. I am content and satisfied today because I have had small glimpses of Jesus in His glory, and know that the longer I walk with Him, God will show more of Himself to me. So more than reflecting over the past on this birthday, I am celebrating years to come I will have folowing and seeking God on this earth, and the eternity I will be able to spend with Him.

James Rocks!

2004-10-04T17:35:00.000+02:00

James is rocking my world right now. James 5:16-20 from The Message:

Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed. The prayer of a person living right with God is something powerful to be reckoned with. Elijah, for instance, human just like us, prayed hard that it wouldn't rain, and it didn't--not a drop for three and a half years. Then he prayed that it would rain, and it did. The showers came and everything started growing again.
My dear friends, if you know people who have wandered off from God's truth, don't write them off. Go after them. Get them back and you will have rescued precious lives from destruction and prevented an epidemic of wandering away from God.

It still blows my mind how God's Word can speak so specifically into my life all the time!

San Francisco

2004-08-04T08:43:00.000+02:00

I've been a lazy blogger. It has been awhile.
No haikus this time, but I will share an interesting experience I had today. I'm up in Northern California for my friend's wedding, and we spent the day in San Francisco. Obviously there are a ton of interesting characters in the city, like the middle-aged man we saw rocking out to his iPod on BART. Really, he was having his own personal Soul Train auditions in the middle of the subway. It was great. But what really stuck with me were the dozens of (for lack of better words) religious freaks on every corner. There was the quintessential white evangelist holding up "Jesus loves you! Repent now!" cardboard. But the most interesting was this scruffy guy in dreads standing right by a busy intersection.
At first glance, I thought he worked for Urban Outfitters because his sign looked rad, with that same kind of coloring and lettering. Then I looked closer and cringed. He was all about "stop whore sex now" and "sex is only between a man and a woman in marriage." We were standing about two feet from him, waiting a painfully long time for the light to turn, so what choice did I have but to listen to him?
"Sex as God designed it is only between a virgin man and a virgin woman in His covenant of marriage. Anything else is wrong and sinful. Stop your whore sex now!"
I could have died when my friend said, "Amen."
Then this guy, who looked exactly like the former lead singer of Blind Melon, turned and asked me in all honesty what I thought of the man's message. In the next few seconds a million thoughts raced through my mind. How do I tell Blind Melon Guy what I really think? I wanted to tell him that what the man was saying was right and yet completely wrong at the same time. I wanted to say that the God I was associated with was nothing like that, and that the Jesus I knew loved him more than He hated his sins. The look in his eyes told me that he desperately wanted to hear the same.
Yet, all that came out of my mouth was, "I think he is right."
Blind Melon Guy replied, "Really?"
I opened my mouth to speak, to say everything else that was on my heart, and the light turned. I saw my friend start to walk. And then I turned and caught up to her.
I am so ashamed. I am in tears as I reflect on this. I am so ashamed that I didn't stay there and tell Blind Melon Guy the truth of the Jesus Christ that I know. But more, I am ashamed of the god that people today have figured out and made and put in a nice little box with clear answers. He might have the same name, but I can't figure out how the Lord over my life is the same God that the KKK worship or who prompted the "Stop Whore Sex" man to stand on that corner. I don't understand how people can think they have God all figured out. I am angry that I am not allowed to take confession in my friend's wedding because I am not a Catholic. Apparently it doesn't matter that I have given my life to Jesus and been baptized; I can't share in his body and blood because I am not a member of the Catholic church. Neither were His disciples, but He shared communion with them.
Mainly, I am frustrated, and I have been for the last couple of months. I love God, but sometimes I feel like the God I know is not the same as the one religious people worship. I have complete faith in Jesus, but I can't say I feel the same for Christians. I don't like that people automatically associate me with right-wing conservative Bible-thumpers when I say that I love God. The wosrt part is that I feel like I shouldn't be this angry and frustrated about it, because it is like I am exalting myself, thinking that I know best. To me, nothing is scarier that to finally die and meet God, only to hear Him say I had it all wrong. I want to know more of Him truthfully now. And I can only pray that Blind Melon Guy finds the same.

Then Jesus cried out, as He taught in the temple, saying, "You both know Me, and you know where I am from: and I have not come of Myself, but He who sent Me is true, whom you do not know. But I know Him..."
John 7:28-29

Haiku

2004-05-30T09:48:00.000+02:00

My thoughts would best be expressed in a haiku that I call School:

My brain is fried like
An egg, over easy, with
a side of bacon.

Only two more weeks until finals are over...and then summer school...enough said! I'll write real thoughts someday soon. But for now I'm still recovering from three papers due earlier this week. Why do professors all wait until the end of the quarter, when most students have stopped caring, to assign papers worth half your grade? I never understood that. If I were a professor, I would have a completely different grading system. I would assign all the work the first week of school, have all the tests in the second week, and then give my students free days the rest of the quarter. If they still were in danger of failing, they could bring me gifts to earn extra credit. Sure, it may be biased, but you know you would want to be in my class.

True Love

2004-05-20T23:30:00.000+02:00

From The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning:

Love has its own exigencies. It weighs and counts nothing but expects everything. Perhaps that explains our reluctance to risk. We know only too well that the gospel of grace is an irresistible call to love the same way. No wonder so many of us elect to surrender our souls to rules rather than to living in union with Love.

Thoughts?

Goodbye Mark

2004-05-17T08:00:00.000+02:00

Not to sound morbid, but earlier this week I was confronted with the reality that death is a lot closer to us than we choose to think. Almost every morning for the last year and a half as I've walked to my bike, I've passed the open door to my neighbor Mark's place. His incredibly fat pug dog Mikita would run over to say hi, snorting and snuffing, and Mark would always greet me with a huge smile. Sometimes we would chat about books or movies, or Mark would share memories from his working days. He has been on disability for awhile with a long list of medical problems. He is older, maybe in his mid-50s, and one of the loneliest people I've ever met. Mark stayed in his apartment every day. He had a sister in town, but wasn't on good terms with his family, and from what I knew didn't have many friends. This quarter I've been leaving later for class, so I would just yell hi as I raced passed his door every morning. I kept thinking that I should stop and say hi, but there never seemed to be enough time. Mark had mentioned that his shoulder was causing him a great deal of pain and that he had a doctor's appointment. He had even asked if I would be available to take Mikita out if he couldn't. Then, a few weeks ago, I noticed that Mark's door was closed one morning. I didn't think much of it, until it was closed the next morning too. I left a note on his door, shocked when another neighbor brought it back to me with the message that Mark was in the hospital with cancer.
I was finally able to get ahold of him this week, and went to visit him on Wednesday night. He told me that he has the later stages of melanoma, which is a pretty harmless form of cancer if it is caught in time. Unfortunately, his went undiscovered and has now metastized throughout his entire upper body. Doctors don't know how much time he has to live, but they agree that it isn't long. I just listened in shock. We talked for about an hour, and I was amazed by how well he has accepted this. He admits that he is powerless against the cancer, and is now focusing on the important matters in his life. He mentioned a few times that this included making peace with God and making a right relationship with Jesus.
The whole thing is still unsettling to me. I left the hospital and called my brother just to tell him I love him. And then I just did a lot of thinking, mainly about how fragile life is. Though I get a fair share of death through movies and the news, none of it is real to me. I haven't been faced with it that much in my personal life, besides my pets and distant friends of my parents. I live thinking that life is a certainty, not a gift. I will always have tomorrow to help that person in need or stop and chat with my lonely neighbor.
This all tied in with Pastor Billy's message about stewardship at Aqueous on Saturday. At one point he asked us to think of the things that God had entrusted us with. Obvious answers are money and our talents, but time and relationships are often overlooked, especially in my own life and in this situation with Mark. God entrusted me with Mark, to build a relationship with him and invest my time in his life. I am grateful for the moments when I was faithful to that...any of those times I stopped just to ask how he was doing or chat for a minute. But, especially now faced with the closeness of Mark's death, I am ashamed for all those times I rushed by his door, not even pausing when I said hi, because I was so concerned with being wherever I needed to be. Interestingly enough, I consider myself pretty lucky, because I've been shown this when I still have time to visit Mark and just be his friend. But how many people are given their wake-up call after they have missed all those opportunities and it is entirely too late?
It is pretty crazy to think that all the relationships in our lives are gifts that God has entrusted us with, not just the people that are easy to be friends with. The annoying co-worker or the always angry boss, the loud disrespectful roommate or the grumpy old neighbor, the quiet grocery clerk or the depressed classmate: God has directly and intentionally placed those relationships in our lives in order for us to love them, serve them, and invest in them. He is waiting to see what we do with the gifts He has given us. (See Ryan's blog from 5.14.) It totally changes my perspective, to think that God cares more about the people in my life than whether my DVDs are alphabetized or my cupboard organized. I've asked Jesus to forgive me for not always being faithful with what He has given me, and since I know He has, I've spent a good part of my week asking Him to help me become a better steward of His gifts, including the gift of relationships. Jesus spent time with people and devoted his attention to those deemed unworthy by society because He cared for them, plain and simple. More than that, He poured His life out for His friends and enemies alike. I just pray that Jesus would help me to do the same.

"Broken Vessels with Divine Capacity"

2004-04-27T17:03:00.000+02:00

Hey. I have a ton of midterms and essays this week and next, so I'm not much for writing right now. But I did just finish reading Seizing Your Divine Moment by Erwin McManus yesterday. It is an amazing book. The passage below totally struck me because I've been thinking a lot about the importance of people and community lately. As social as I am, I like to be alone. That is something that I struggle with, because as important as relationships are to a functioning life, I get caught up in myself. Those are the times that I would rather stay home alone and clean than be with my friends. When a week like this comes along and my time is pressed, I use the excuse that I am stressed and tired. But I've finally been able to admit to myself that the real reason I avoid relationships at times is due to one simple reason: I've been hurt by people. But every single person I know has been disappointed, deceived, or rejected by someone. I just think it sucks that we let the past determine how we live our lives today. This is something I pray that God would radically transform in me. I want to be Christlike and be able to truly love people that totally despise and reject me. I want to have God's passion for people that have nothing to give me in return. That reminds me of this cheesy quote that is always passed around in mass emails: "Love as if you've never been hurt." It is true though. That said, here is the passage from the book:

It would be easy to conclude that the world would be a better place if it wasn't for people, that the church would be a better place if it wasn't for Christians. You might make the mistake to think that your journey with God would find its greatest fulfillment if you could only remove the human obstacle-people. Yet the journey is lived out in the context of relationships, and a significant part of the adventure is the way that God uses you in the lives of others. If you have ever dared to love deeply, then you have been deeply disappointed. We are all broken vessels with divine capacity. A part of the challenge is to never give up on people.

Self

2004-04-20T05:25:00.000+02:00

As a child, I was taught that I could be anything I wanted to be. I grew up believing that any obstacle could be overcome by my hard work and determination. I've come to realize in the last few days how screwed up my perception of myself is. I place a lot of trust in myself and my ability to overcome problems or difficulties in my own life. I see a character flaw in myself, get focused on it, figure out all the ways to solve it, and then try with all my might to fix it. But it all leads to failure. No matter how strong my willpower is, I eventually lose. Then I get more frustrated and just try harder, only to fail again. Everyone I know has struggled with this in one area or another in their life. Think about the millions of diet plans, debt solutions, or self-help manuals that are out there. Better yet, think of the American Idol rejects who believe that if they just keep trying, they will someday get that record contract. (OK, so it might have worked for William Hung, but he still isn't any good.)

True peace comes from knowing that I am not responsible for "fixing" myself. Neither am I expected to clean myself up to an uttainable standard before I can be accepted and loved by Jesus. I think this is one of the greatest deceptions of modern Christianity. Somehow people accept all the lies society feeds us and believe that we really can do it all ourselves. Worse, people think that God won't love them until they clean up all the dark, dirty areas of their life. This bugs me because I buy into it! Time after time, instead of admitting to God and those around me that I am not perfect, I pretend like I am and then keep trying to make myself that way. I hate admitting that I am weak. I don't want anyone to know that I can be mean and spiteful, selfish, lazy, or uncaring. I shove my worst qualities away and hope that no one discovers what I can really be like.

And then God reminds me that He is the one who has redeemed me. All my dirty laundry is washed clean through Jesus alone. Nothing I can do on my own accord will make me pure, and to believe so is to demean God's grace. The only way I will see myself transformed is when I fully give my life, including the gross and disgusting parts, to Jesus. I believe and know this to be true because I have experienced it. When I finally surrendered my own crap to God, including all my attempts and failures and defeats, He changed me and made me closer to the image of Christ. So I know it works, and know how it works...now the only challenge is to do it with the crap that I've had shoved away for some time. The amazing reality, though, is that Jesus is faithful, and will never fail to radically move in our lives when we respond to Him and take that step. We just have to remember that the ball is in our court because He has already made all the provisions for us. He has given us the choice to rely on our own ability, or the ability of God.

Excerpt from Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller:
Self-discipline will never make us feel righteous or clean; accepting God's love will. The ability to accept God's unconditional grace and ferocious love is all we need to obey Him in return...In exchange for our humility and willingness to accept the charity of God, we are given a kingdom. And a beggar's kingdom is better than a proud man's delusion.

Damiens the Regicide, Hitler, and I

2004-04-07T07:25:00.000+02:00

My thoughts today were actually inspired by my history class this morning, strangely enough. I think this is the first time that a general ed. course ever got me thinking after I stepped out of the lecture hall. The professor lectured on Enlightenment and different philosophers of the 18th century, including a man named Cesare Beccaria, who was focused on crime and punishment. My professor, in a attempt to make the lecture more interesting, read an eyewitness account of an actual execution of this guy named Damiens the Regicide. It was disgusting. The narrative went on for at least ten minutes or so, describing in gory detail the torture (like his limbs being tied to four horses that pulled in opposite directions, etc.) and exectution of this man. Violence doesn't usually have a heavy effect on me, but just the description of this made me sick to my stomach. It wasn't so much the thought of the blood or the pain; rather, I was utterly disgusted by the nature of humans. How could a person do this to another human being? Since my mind tends to go off on tangents, I spent the rest of the class (and the day) thinking of what humans have done to each other throughout the history of man. And it just disgusts me. More than that, it baffles me. I don't understand it. There isn't much more to say than that. And as much as I wish I could believe that humans are essentially good, this was a harsh reminder that we suck. I think all people, Americans especially, want to believe that while there is a lot of evil in this world, humans are still good and have the power within themselves to make the world a better place. I know I would like to believe it. But the reality is, that is not true. Looking back over the history of mankind, it is pretty apparent that we are capable of a lot of evil. Let me reiterate: we suck. I think this fact is so scary to me because I have too much pride to believe that I could ever be that evil or inflict that much pain on another living being. I can look at someone like the executioner of Damiens the Regicide, or Hitler (who is always used as an example in cases like these) and make myself feel better because I am not as "evil" as they were. Our minds have a tendency to rationalize everything and put it in a linear plane. Really, why was Hitler a worse person than me? I can point the finger at him, but if God didn't choose to forget our sins and remove them as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12), I think He would have a pretty good case against me. Why? Because we suck. But God is good. Sadly, we have forgotten that our power to do good does not come from within, but rather comes from the God that is good.

That brings me to what I have really been thinking about. This is Holy Week. Good Friday remembers the ultimate suffering. Damiens the Regicide was tortured and executed because he had committed a crime. In this world, in linear terms, crime results in punishment. Sin results in death. But Jesus Christ suffered pain. Real, true pain. He was tortured. He was despised, rejected, humiliated, and deserted by people who had celebrated Him less than a week before. And He was crucified. It sounds bad enough in itself, but the amazing truth is that Jesus was innocent. He didn't do anything to deserve what He went through. But He took the punishment for each one of us, so that we wouldn't have to suffer through what we rightly deserve for our crimes. The sacrifice and passion of Jesus Christ never ceases to amaze and humble me, really. I find myself unable to describe what this means to me. All I know is that I will never know this kind of mercy or kindness outside of the love of God. Jesus, I will never understand why You did this for someone like me, but the more I think about it, the harder I fall in love with You.

Somehow, what started off as a boring lecture this morning helped me to understand more than ever before how beautiful is the grace of God, and how beautiful are the scars and blood of Jesus Christ.

Security or Risk?

2004-03-29T01:35:00.000+02:00

I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God is real. At some point in my relationship with Jesus, this became undeniable to me. I can't pinpoint when that moment was; it wasn't as though I woke up one morning with a revelation or that a booming James Earl Jones-like voice spoke to me during a moment of tribulation. I just know that by some point my doubts about His existence ceased. Don't get me wrong-I still have plenty of questions and concepts that I don't understand. However, I know with absolute certainty that He (God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit) exists. I have felt that comfort that only Jesus can give when I have cried out to Him in moments of complete desperation. I have seen radical and miraculous responses to prayer, and have experienced the Lord move in situations that were beyond human control. Mainly, I have seen the love of Christ transform people. I personally have seen my own heart and life radically change by encountering and following Jesus. There is no denying that God is real, that He exists, that Jesus gave His life for me so that I could live, and that He lives too.

All this said, sometimes I feel like one of the children of Israel. You know the story. If you don't, read Exodus. (Or rent The Ten Commandments and get a good dose of Charlton Heston. If you are more into Disney-esque musicals, watch The Prince of Egypt.) The Israelites were slaves in Egypt, they cried out to God, and He delivered them from bondage by performing some pretty rad miracles. So why do I sometimes feel like one of them? Because they knew that God existed. They experienced firsthand His love for them and His powerful movement in their lives. Yet they went through some periods of major doubt, and turned their back on Him over and over and over (and over) again. Exodus isn't the only example of people doubting the Lord and His power after they have seen, felt, experienced, touched, or talked with Him. The children of Israel get caught in a vicious cycle of sin, oppression, repentance, and deliverance in Judges. Poor Thomas really put his foot in his mouth when he said, "Unless I see in [Jesus'] hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and put my hand into His side, I will not believe." (John 20:25) There are hundreds of more examples.

I admit that sometimes I laugh at the whiny selfishness and utter stupidity of the Israelites. But I am often quickly quieted by a reminder of the inconsistencies in my own walk with Jesus. I have complete faith in Him, yet in moments find myself asking, "Where are You?" or "Why aren't You doing anything?" It frustrates me how fast I forget what God has done for me. My pastor gave an awesome message last night on surrender and the things that hold us back from taking risks. I'm still trying to process a lot of what was said, but mainly I have been asking myself what idols have I made in my own life? The children of Israel made an actual golden cow, which I can check off my list of "Possible Idols in Sarah's Life." But my list is still pretty long. And it isn't filled with material goods either. It is made up of a lot of emotional barriers that I know I place between myself and God. The most frustrating thing to me is that I've become such a slave to these areas of bondage that I can actually justify staying where I am. I'm not happy being a slave to certain things in my own life, but at the same time I am comfortable because I am secure.

The word comfortable really bugs me. It seems wonderful, doesn't it? Can you imagine anything better than curling up in a big cushy couch by a fire, drinking a non-fat extra hot grande chai tea latte, and watching Free Willy? (That's a joke. But not really.) But everyone wants to be comfortable. The problem with comfortable is that it is also routine, and after awhile, you get so comfortable being in control, secure, certain, and comfortable that you soon forget what it means to take a risk. All of a sudden the word risk sounds waaaaaay too scary and you would rather spend the rest of your life holding on to what you know than stepping into the unknown, with which comes the possibility of loosing all you ever knew and gaining something you have yet to experience.

I think comfort in and of itself is one of the idols in my life. Why does uncertainty scare me so much? Why is the word risk so scary? I can think of very few times in my life when stepped off the cliff without knowing what was at the bottom. The one that stands out in my mind the most is when I gave my life to Jesus. I had no real evidence that He existed, and for a long time had major doubts whether God was real or not. I knew nothing about Him. But I took the risk. I wanted to be freed from my own slavery, and so, not knowing the outcome or the destination, I took the leap. It turned out to be the best decision I ever made. If I was able to take that risk and give my life to Jesus when I knew absolutely nothing about Him, why do I have so much difficulty surrendering my idols to Him now when I have experienced God over and over again? Would I rather stay in my own chains, amidst the comfort and security of slavery, or step out into unfamiliar territory where God has called me, glorify Him in the process, and lose my life yet gain the freedom of Christ?

From Seizing Your Divine Moment by Erwin Raphael McManus:
Seems ridiculous, doesn't it, to begin a journey when you don't even know the destination? You would think you could at least expect God to tell you that much. But for Abraham, He didn't. He called him on a journey that took him into the realm of uncertainty. He called Israel to a battle they didn't know how they could win. God has done this again and again through human history. He calls us out of comfort into uncertainty. Faith is all about character, trusting in the character of God, being certain in who God is and following Him into the unknown.

Agape

2004-03-23T04:32:00.000+01:00

Have you ever tried to comprehend God's love for us? I mean, really try to understand what true unconditional love is? It is beyond description and "surpasses knowledge" (Ephesians 3:19) because as humans, we don't have anything to compare it to. As much as we may love our spouse, children, parents, or friends, we still put conditions and limitations on love. I truly love my friends and family with all my heart, but I must admit that deep down I put expectations on my feelings towards them. I want them to love me and care about me in return. I get really offended and upset when I feel as though my friends don't care about me. But God's love knows no boundaries and gives freely. Strong's Concordance says that agape (the Greek word for God's love) "is the self-giving love that...does not consider the worth of its object." Jesus gave His life because of His love for us. Even if you hate Him, revile Him, ignore Him, reject Him, turn your back on Him, God is completely faithful and will STILL love you with an everlasting love. Agape does not consider the worth of its object. That means that God will love you regardless of your goodness, value, usefulness, or virtue. I forget this, and catch myself trying to earn His love, like it is a point system. After all, that is what life in this world (especially this society) teaches us. We don't want charity. We need to work for everything we want. We need to earn approval and love. It is sometimes hard for me to accept the complete grace that comes with the love of Christ. But I pray that everyday I, and more importantly, we, will experience and truly know God's unconditional, unwavering, everlasting love.

Romans 5:6-8 says it all:
When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners. Now, no one is likely to die for a good person, though someone might be willing to die for a person who is especially good. But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.

A First for Everything

2004-03-20T22:52:00.001+01:00

I never thought I would have an online journal, but I never thought I would have a lot of things (like a Starbucks card). Lately, my mind has been running at an accelerated rate. I'm reading more, praying more, and thinking about a whole lot of things. This will be the place where I can write my honest thoughts, no sugar-coating or superficiality, and keep you updated on my journey following Jesus. I want to hear your reactions too. So here is where my mind is today:

I focus on what my eyes see, and take everything as it appears. But there are those moments when I step back from my situation and try to understand that life is so much bigger than me! Think about this: "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." Ephesians 6:12-13

Jesus, thank You for everything You've done to ensure that when I ask, You give me all the resources and strength to withstand the attacks from the enemy!

I get offended. People say words that hurt me, and I replay those words over and over again in my mind, wondering what I could have done to deserve that. So today I had one of those "step back" moments...and remembered there is way more to life than flesh and blood. There are a lot of spiritual forces at work behind our lives. So when a word gets thrown my way, I have the choice to get offended or argue back, or I can choose to do what Jesus advises: "You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you. You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you..." Matthew 5:38-44

Jesus, help me not to get so caught up in being right! Break down my pride so that when someone offends me, I don't go on a quest to prove my innocence or goodness. I want to love my enemies like You did on the cross. Show me people through Your eyes and give me Your love for them.

Whoa I didn't really plan on writing much except for saying that this is my blog and welcome!!